“Stand tall when you say goodbye, my girl. No matter how much the end hurts, we hold our heads up high and let the tears anoint your honor.”
I lift her chin up, but her eyes refuse to meet mine. I hold my gaze steady until she reluctantly meets my own.
“Momma, I just had to say goodbye to my best friend.”
She is pleading for me to give in to her grief.
I know this feeling when your heart feels like it might explode if it loved any deeper. I have averted my eyes many times when it felt like too much to take in. For my heart’s sake, I do not like any sort of break, conflict, or rupture—it just hurts too much. Yet I have learned that I need to build my resilience so that I can have deeper relationships with others even when there are capital “G” or lowercase “g” goodbyes.
Goodbye, rupture, “Shalom-shattered,” and endings don’t have to have the last word. These moments done with intentionality and integrity can be the catalyst to deeper intimacy and fuller love.
Historically, I have placed my worth on people’s responses—whether they left me, needed a break from me, or believed I was too much. I couldn’t hold the invitation to the conflict. However, when we bring integrity to our “endings,” we can look the other in the eye and say, “Thank you for the time we had, and now it seems we must make space for a shift.”
I never realized how important it was to hold my head high, look a situation or person in the eyes, and let my goodbye be felt. There is something noble about the eye contact with another, the seconds we actually see their thoughts and get a glimpse of their heart. All the emotions can be seen in the eyes—love, disgust, grief, and confusion.
Research shows that the left eye displays emotions. The pupils dilate when love and attraction are felt; the pupils constrict when the person is feeling fear or sadness. When I am working with clients who have experienced trauma or betrayal, I have them hold my eyes when we talk. This allows their bodies to regain trust in what they see for themselves.
When we live with honor, love with authenticity, and leave with integrity, we hold great esteem for ourselves and those who abide similarly.
Honor is mentioned 355 times in the Bible. In the Old Testament, it is translated as “weight” or “glory,” and in the New Testament as “reverence” and “personal value.” Honor is an important attribute that contributes to one’s self-esteem. We feel loved and lovable when we live with honor; it is the understanding of reverence. When we engage our relationships with honor, we feel the weight of glory.
As my friend and ritualist, Heather Stringer says, “It is our holy ‘no.’” When we have integrity to look the other in the eye and offer our holy “no” or our holy “yes,” we love with honor.
Christy Bauman, Ph.D., MDFT, & LMHC is committed to helping women come into their true voices. She offers meaning-making and storywork consulting. She is the author and producer of Theology of the Womb, A Brave Lament, Documentary: A Brave Lament, and The Sexually Healthy Woman. She is a psychotherapist, supervisor, and adjunct professor who focuses on the female body, sexuality, and theology. Christy is co-director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health and Trauma with her husband Andrew. They live in Brevard, North Carolina with their three kids: Wilder, Selah, and River.
I didn’t know about left eye showing emotion.
How grateful we are for the ways you have honored us with your presence, your words, your wisdom here in your writing Christy. Thank you.
“When we bring integrity to our ‘endings,’ we can look the other in the eye and say, ‘Thank you for the time we had, and now it seems we must make space for a shift.’ Christy, thank you for framing this moment in Red Tent Living’s unfolding with your immense wisdom. As always, you compel me to think deeply, differently, and/or daringly. I’m grateful to know you.
Your writings always teach as well as touch my heart. Thank you for the gift of your words dear Christy.